I Don’t Know How To Be An Adult!

Ok, I have no idea what to do.

I had an anxiety attack during my finals while cramming for the last two tests. A friend was crappy to me when she saw a message from me in  group, in which I was saying I wasn’t well and was thinking about not writing the test. She automatically supposed it was the one for which she was my partner (it wasn’t, I was talking about the afternoon one, which was solo) and gave me crap when I called her in the morning to let her know I wasn’t doing great (I was having a hard time sitting up in bed). So, that got me in a state in which I spent the hours before it crying my eyes out while a few friends talked to me.

I only was able to write the afternoon test because a guy sat behind me, told me to sit right in front of him and helped me. So, I’m VERY worried this becomes the norm. The reason I wasn’t prepared was because I’ve been exhausted and/or emotionally spent the entire semester. I also had to stop seeing my therapist because I can’t afford it anymore.

I’m not taking care of all the workload from school, even if all I do is study or try to. Dad’s still giving me all kinds of crap every so often.

My cousins have FINALLY split up and this time it seems like there’s no going back. Which I think is wise. They would go as far as hit each other, according to mom. But, a week or two ago, I was on the phone with big brother and he said that his wife had bruises and sent pictures of them to mom. I didn’t know that.

So I called her. She told me everything he did, how he cheated, painted him as a bastard (which is not so difficult to imagine because I do see the way he interacts with his family) and told me he did a particularly nasty thing to her. It broke my heart.

He’s in his mom’s house, and my aunt – who used to be alienated before – now is getting senile. We’re thinking beginning of dementia. And she’s in the middle of their drama. He’s a guy who’s 50 and can’t pull his crap together enough to realize that he’s not a teenager anymore and that she can’t handle this anymore. Even and especially since the both of them have a history of many fights, resentment, manipulation and so on.

This week, after meeting my mom in the subway, she tells me that he told my aunt that he wanted to shoot himself in the head. As if that’s not bad enough, December is a particularly CRAPPY month for him to say that, since our other aunt did just that. On 13th, which is his mom’s birthday. Said aunt’s son also killed himself, many years after. This cousin told me he and his wife (girlfriend at the time) talked to him and took him home and tried to help, but the family never did anything, my dad included.

Even though he’s a bastard and I wanted to go to the police with his ex, I just sent him a message asking how he was doing and to talk to me. Oh, God, they say Christmas is a time where suicides skyrocket… this family can’t have another one…

And my dad’s super authoritative, mom likes to pretend nothing is happening and it makes me want to pull my hair out because no one does a damn thing! Sure, they’re both sick and crazy, his wife told me that my mom said she’d pray for her when she sent her pictures of the bruises, but my mom read to me the message she sent, saying that if she wanted she could come ’round to talk. So, yeah, they’re sick. I don’t know what I can believe. But their family. someone should do something to sort them out if they won’t. They have a pre-teen. Our parents can’t be the ones to sort this mess, but my dad is aggressive and authoritative and will say all kinds of crap if I get involved. There’s also mom nagging and burying me in Christian guilt. But even if I know that my generation should deal with it, I can’t do this by myself!

My brother is abroad, working his ass off trying to make it, my other two cousins only care about themselves. And I HATE it that I am so insecure, that I need to talk things over with someone (used to be my therapist – she even said to me that I needed support when I take a decision) and when that someone is my mom, it ends up with her telling me to basically roll over and let people trample on me. That is the source and also makes me even more insecure.

All I know is that it sounds to me pretty crazy not to do anything. What if he does shoot himself or does something like that? What if they keep hurting each other in worse ways? hat about the (annoying, insufferable, pest of a) kid? Shouldn’t we, adults, help?

I just called big brother. He had 1% battery only and instead of saying what I needed we just did some catching up. Apparently, it was enough. I think I’ll call my cousin tomorrow, as if he’s seeing a therapist, maybe tell him to find a place to stay because staying with his mom can’t be doing good to the both of them.

I feel so out of my depth here.

They’re the two cousins that supported me going back to school, that talked to me when I was depressed. I need to support, them, too.

Meanwhile, I need to find a way to be able to study, have fun, breathe and live, and not have anxiety attacks. I need to make my life better for me, in a way that I won’t be so emotionally exhausted because of mom and dad burying me in guilt and accusations, so I’ll be able to study, which I really want to. I need to find time to socialize and have time to actually answer messages guys leave me. And go out with them.

Someone give me a tutorial on how to be an adult, because I don’t think I got exactly what I’m supposed to do.

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~ by 1cellinthesea on December 23, 2016.

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