Existing, Not Living

A friend I had a long time ago introduced me to Good Charlotte. I listened to their album “Chronicles of Life and Death” and loved it to the point I listened to it everyday. It was like a breath of fresh air, like suddenly I could breathe. Because someone out there understood what I was feeling. Over a decade later, who’d have thought it still has the same effect on me?

I am so tired of keeping this depression inside. Of not being able to talk to my parents because it makes it worse, because they only add to the pressure I have always felt.

It’s always been guilt and pressure with them. Every gift was always a sacrifice. I was always acting spoiled according to him, “if you don’t get better grades I’m gonna put you in a shitty school!”, “do you realize the sacrifice we’re making in order to give you both this school?!”, “get into college soon, I’m getting old and we’re not rich, we can’t support you forever!”, “when are you going to get a job?”…

I never did drugs, I never smoked, I never lied to my parents about where I was, I studied very hard. Still, depression got me. At the end of high school, I was burn out. I still am, now at 27, trying to get another degree.

I. Have. Nothing.

I don’t have a job, I don’t have a decent income, I don’t travel, I don’t have a partner, I even barely go out to see my friends. I feel like I am always letting people down. And the worst part is, I can’t count on my family. It’s like it’s me against my dad and brother. The two of them are always being generous with their friends and relatives, but I feel like they think I have it easy and therefore I am supposed to help them. Like I don’t have any worry at all.

Last friday I was throwing up so much my body pressure hit the floor. I could barely sit up. I usually do that when I am super stressed. I am so tired of not doing anything right, of not having a life.

I’m so tired of needing approval from martial arts teachers because my dad lets me down, I’m tired of not having a self-esteem because my parents destroyed it, I’m tired of not being able to hit on who I want because I have daddy issues. Who in their right mind would want to jump in a relationship with a crazy person like me???

I’m tired of wanting to kill myself,of wanting to stop existing. I’m tired of not being able to count on my family, while everything my cousin does is wonderful and when she cries, it’s poor girl! Meanwhile she has a social life, a boyfriend and oh what a gem she is! She did two years of studying to get into a shitty college! Probably because she went out and dated. While I stayed at home and studied and listened and minded all the crap thrown at me.

I need something REALLY good to happen REALLY soon.

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~ by 1cellinthesea on September 27, 2014.

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