Insomnia Rage

I am SO pissed.

Yesterday there was a very strong wind. Stuff broke in the house, trees were uprooted some places in town, smashing cars beneath them. And the windows rattled like there was no tomorrow. Which is nothing new.

My room has a history of rattling windows during strong wind gusts. Problem is, those usually happen at night. Thing is, I’m a light sleeper, with serious issues to fall asleep. I had to move my room because my brother insisted on getting loud in the middle of the night, and parents were no help (woa, what a surprise!). Dad even had the gal to comment my windows rattling kept him awake. Poor him!

So, this is a fucking old problem and the excuse to fix it is that we have no money. Actually, we never have money, I had to grow up self-conscious about that, depressed and guilt-ridden, because guilt is my sweet mom’s excuse to fucking everything. So, if I ask for that, it’s expensive. But as soon as my dad got money, he changed the floor boards of the living room (complete with a hissy fit from when he came back from a business trip and complained the house was dirty – what the fuck did he expect?). And when it was finally over, he decided to do the balcony. This was all so we could sell the apartment. You know. Cause we need money.

THEN, he had the nerve to joke he didn’t think he wanted to sell anymore (we all know he doesn’t want to). So, the list of recent expenses include: the floors, a brand new smart tv he gifted mom, a Blu-ray player he also gifted mom (nope, we don’t and never have used Blu-ray) and a laptop he bought my cousin together with our other cousin, for his graduation.

He’s super hurt he never said thank you.

We have TWO fucking air conditioners in the living room, plus another THREE in each room – not mine! Mine’s got a ceiling fan that does more noise than actually fan and an ancient a/c that barely works. I avoid the most (the guilt that come with) using it. Now, dad actually proposed that I buy a new a/c that is more economical, since the bill should get more expensive next year, and they will pay for installing it. I said I didn’t have the money (swallowing my anger) and he replied that I did, cause I’m buying stuff all the time.

‘Stuff I buy’ in the occasion were new clothes, so I feel less shitty about myself.

Meanwhile, all my savings, I have given to him (I stopped believing in lending money to family – you either say no or give. Life is less complicated that way.) Last December I got a temporary ob for Christmas, and during an argument, he said I should have done it earlier instead of spending a year in bed (depression does that sometimes). Funny thing is, about half my pay I used to pay his taxes. The money from the job he was a lot less than impressed with.

It has recently dawned on me that one of the reasons I go to sleep SO late and wake up in the afternoon is to avoid my dad the most, so I have to live with one less reminder of what a loser I am.

Less recently, I’ve realized that when I don’t sleep I get more prone to being negative, and angry, and anxious and feeling overwhelmed.

But oh my God! What am I good for??? I’m almost 30 and trying to get into Med school so I can get a better ob and a better life, away from here. At the same time, I worry that I’ll have to help my parents financially and never really get stability and a comfortable retirement later on, and most importantly, get rid of this hell!

The last date I had sucked spectacularly and he got pissed to hear I didn’t want to go out again or be friends!

What am I doing? What am I good for? Am I ever gonna leave this hell and get a better life? Am I gonna have my own life, meet people, have fun, and be able to relax? Oh my God, I’m so tired…


~ by 1cellinthesea on September 4, 2014.

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