A Dream

I dreamed I was lying in a bed with white sheets wearing a robe and my panties. And then you were sitting there with me, talking, and telling me nice things… Remember how you used to tell me how much you liked me and that you could be yourself with me?

I remember your hand on my knees, but i closed my legs and my robe. I didn’t want you to see ugly me. I sat up, and in the back of my mind I regretted, self-conscious of my breasts, but I let it go. I was worried about you. I wanted to listen to you as you spoke of your girlfriend and told me what was troubling you. I even laid a kind hand on your leg, encouraging you to talk.

In my dream, you were saying something I don’t remember but it was like wanting to be with me without her knowing. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the bed and you were sitting and she was behind me, asking you if you had been with me with contempt in her voice and you were saying nothing happened and reassuring her that I was no one. I wanted to get up and leave.

Then there was a house I was in with my family. My old country house, but suddenly it was completely different and there was a wedding taking place in there. Her wedding. I walked around feeling out of place and embarrassed as her family’s judgmental eyes followed me, frowning and even muttering. I did my best to avoid them and somehow ran into her. I congratulated her but no more words came out. You were missing.

And then she was having a problem, I think she started feeling sick and couldn’t breathe and I took her hand to help her get away and said come with me, leading her to a room. Then in the dream I felt ashamed because it was somehow that room I had been in with you. Her bridesmaids were near and I told them you needed help, but they pulled out their cellphones and started talking and completely ignored me. So it was up to me. I was the only one that realized she wasn’t ok, and that was willing to help.

And I woke up, missing you horribly, and I remembered when you told me you had a girlfriend when we started talking and flirting, just as you were saying goodbye after our time was over.

I am such a fucking pathetic loser.

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~ by 1cellinthesea on September 21, 2013.

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