Half-spirited

footprints-man-beach-morning

It hurts deeply when you come to the realisation that you’re waking up one day, in the mid-afternoon, 25-going-on-26 and you have nothing.

I just finished college after rising up from the dark pits of depression – and I have to say I still struggle with some days.

I live in what I concluded not to be my room, but a deposit in my parent’s house. I was forced to change rooms because my brother had uncontrollable artistic inspiration in the middle of the night that could only find an outlet through his electric guitar. At 3 AM. So I moved upstairs, to the room with the best view in the house – and my dad promptly frowned upon it, mentioning the a/c bill cause it’s a large room (I barely use it and it barely functions anyway), the view (he barely comes out of his room and my mom never succeeded in making him enjoy the room) and even saying I have the smallest person-per-space ratio in the house.

So, I’m dying to move out, but can’t afford it.

I’m also looking to kickstart my career and get a job with a decent paying that teaches me something so that I can grow.

I’m single, too. The only people interested in me are a 40-year-old guy that really doesn’t look after himself and I have zero-attraction to, and this guy halfway across the globe.

As I turn 26, I decided that instead of evaluating my life on december 31st, I would do it today. Afterall, it’s a new year for me.

large

I was going insane looking for a job, scared of a lifetime ahead of me struggling with money and job as I have watched my father do it over and over again. Then one trainee selection program came up, Then another. So now I am more hopeful. I’m starting to network with some friends and may even apply for a scholarship abroad.

finished college, which was supposed to be a huge thing for me, and on top of that, I got major compliments from the professors evaluating my dissertation.

I lost a lot of weight and people are always saying I’m pretty.

I finally got my tattoo done and looking my framed new year resolutions, I realised that for the first time I got almost all of them done.

I hate birthdays cause usually nobody comes to my parties and I think people look at me with pity and always felt like shit afterwards. And during. Some good friends came to mine and even this one that I adore and hadn’t seen for years. My brother came to the second year in a row; that’s how much better we’re getting along.

Still it’s not enough. Still sucks to not have a special someone. Still hurts that my cousins didn’t come and my friend stood me up again. No matter how many compliments I get, how many accomplishments I reach, how many good grades I get, how many wonderful people I have around me, I. Still. Feel. Worthless.

And I don’t know how to fix this.

No-one wants to live to be someone else’s reassurance, no one wants to hold someone else’s hand through everything and no one will.

I’m flawed. I’m insecure, obsess about tiniest details, I can be a little paranoid (I’ve been called neurotic), I get jealous but try not to show it or act on it, I’m incredibly sensitive and I struggle with my self-esteem.

And no matter what, this feeling persists. Like there’s something big missing. A social life, a romantic life, a life partner. Self-esteem.

I don’t know how to fix it, and it hurts. I know it has to be fixed from the inside, that no one else can be responsible for my happiness but me. Either way, I’ll keep moving forward and try to look at all the things I’ve been blessed with, at all the doors opening before me and new horizons showing up right before my eyes. I’ll set out hoping for a better future and doing my best to build it, while I endure this horrible feeling inside my chest and my head.

Advertisements

~ by 1cellinthesea on May 12, 2013.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: