The Vanishing Act

Maybe you’re reading the title and thinking, “here we go, another chick wondering why the hell the guy doesn’t call”. Well, actually, I’m the one doing the Vanishing Act. For the gazillionth time. I’m black-belt in this art, too, to the point where getting his number so that my caller I.D. lets me know not to pick up is automatic. But before you start thinking I’m some kind of player, hear me out, okay?

I’ve had my Backstreet Boys fan phase. I liked Lance from N*Sync, and I even liked the oldest Hanson, the one that looked more like a man and not a boy (at least to me at the time). Still, at about that time, I was starting to get to know fall in love with Iron Maiden. What I mean to say is, I’ve never, not even when I was 15, been the kind of girl who liked romantic guys. I remember a friend saying she liked Brian best because he was the most romantic Backstreet Boy, I remember girls sighing after that Savage Garden song I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You, when all I could think was “CREEPY!”

Someone said that Taylor Swift must have a restraining order or a dozen somewhere, I think she may be James Blunt’s long lost soul-mate. I mean, what kind of person writes a song about a girl he saw ONCE in a subway, WITH HER BOYFRIEND, and obsesses about her and thinks it’s hopelessly romantic?! And why, on God’s green Earth, does he need to take his shirt off in the snow??? Someone get that girl a pepper spray ASAP!

But yeah, even when I was at puberty, my idea of romance was slightly different. Sure, I watched Disney movies and all, but I always found the idea of a guy actually calling me princess awkward, in the least. So you can imagine what, at adulthood, this particular pet name makes me think of.

And you’re worried about instant karma…

I’ll never forget a guy in college that walked up to me and told me that to him, the perfect definition of love was from The Evil that Men Do. I have to say I’ve always liked this song, especially the part where Bruce (yep, it HAS to be Bruce!) sings “But I will pray for her, I will call her name out loud, I will bleed for her, If I could only see her now…”

I’ve been talking to this guy. He’s two or three years older than me. It started out really cool, he’s really interesting and I’m really curious and he’s into things I don’t know and wanted to know more of. We’ve been talking for less than two weeks when he starts calling me princess. Seriously, it’s the kind of thing that would make me feel embarrassed in public. I’m into very few petnames, none of which is “princess”. So I started getting really uncomfortable, although I didn’t know how to tell him that. He would always say that I’m cute and the first time it was flattering; the last five, it was one hell of a downer. I started feeling like I was this little girl, with a grown up, and that was just plain wrong in so many ways it grossed me out! I’m not kidding when I say this kind of thing makes me feel sick. I felt like I was inside one of Taylor’s songs, and he would say things like, “I would hold you close, really tight and tell you really sweet things in your ear”.

Noticed how she looks like a Barbie at the beginning and then a princess???? I’m soooo not that kind of girl! For starters, I’m a woman. Yep, I listen to her songs, I watch Disney movies, I’ve seen Princess Bride (okay, I didn’t see what’s so special about it – aside from Inigo Montoya), Robin Hood, Must Love Dogs, and I’m a huge Romeo and Juliet fan. I just happen to know the difference between fairy tales and reality. I know Johnny Depp and John Cusack will never call me up, I know guys aren’t crazy about everything us women do, and I don’t want one who worships the ground I thread upon! Sure, it’s lovely when Romeo says things like, “but what if her eyes were there, they in her head? The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars as daylight doth a lamp, her eyes in heaven, would through the airy region stream so bright, that birds would sing and think it were not night!” But, yeah, he was a teenager and he had just met her. He hadn’t had the chance to see her in a sour mood. Even if Bruno Mars has also read it and insists it happens, I know that’s not how things go in real life. For instance, you think it falls perfectly without her trying, but it actually cost a lot of time and money on high-end hair products for your pseudo-rocker chick to make the messy, head-banger hair-do. Kinda like when you guys think we’re not wearing any make up.

My idea of romance is different. I don’t want to be thought of as a fragile princess, an innocent girl who has to be taken care of. I’m in love with freedom and I seek my independence, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it holding hands with a partner. I’m a woman. I know how to be sweet and kind and cute and even adorable. I also know how to pay my bills, and how to lend an ear, I know how to be supportive and how to not take crap from guys. Really, what the hell is wrong with them? Either they think I’m a brain-dead idiot who’s gonna believe they love me after five seconds of meeting me just to get me to bed, or they’re really needy and need therapy! There’s nothing I hate more than when you meet this guy on a random night out and he starts giving you that overly sugary bullshit because for some reason they assume it’s what you want to hear. I take that as an insult to my intelligence and it actually turns me off. Sure, most women want to hear they’re gorgeous, and funny, and smart and whatever. From their partners! From people who actually mean it!

Talking to this guy made me miss this other guy again, the one who would make innuendos before we had even met each other, but would also spend hours playing the guitar just for me in the webcam. The one that would talk hours about all these bands we loved with me and when we finally met he would whisper to me that I was even more beautiful live, and also whisper in my ear what he’d like to do to me… And when he finally got to it, he would look into my eyes and say, I really like you. I would take that over sweet nothings any day.

I’m really not interested in well-meaning lies. I’m a woman, I can take the truth. Actually, I’d rather the silence over an insincere “I love you, too”. Just because I listen to love songs and read love poems and watch romantic movies, doesn’t mean I expect to live inside a fairy-tale! If you’re a grown-up guy that insists on calling me princess, than maybe you should do a little more growing up before calling me again.

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~ by 1cellinthesea on April 30, 2012.

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