Horrible imaginings

I’m so scared. I feel like there’s this impending doom, hovering over my head, like everything is bound to go wrong. It’s stupid, because the answer is so simple. Only, it’s not.

And to top it all, I don’t think I can put this down to words. I think that should hint me to how much I’m sticking my head in the sand.

I kinda feel like Eddie, pacing in my room, with a million thoughts in my mind, seeing connections everywhere and going really faster than they should. Do you have any idea how hard it is studying biochemistry like this? When you keep wanting to go deeper at every new term you stumble upon, when you want to actually know what the hell they are talking about and why it’s important that they took the time to add it to the text?

I feel like a way dumber John Nash in “A Beautiful Mind“, or Jim Carrey in “The Number 23“, obsessing over details and connecting all the dots until your head is bursting and you realize you’ve coherently gone from proteins and drugs to metaphysics, human relationships and you’re trying to organize it all in under half-an-hour.

For instance, did you realize the size of the last sentence? Did you realize it’s a whole paragraph? Once, in college, we had this exercise in one of my classes where we had to summarize a text. I did. It was about half a page, and consistent with what the teacher had had in mind. And then I looked at it and was surprised to notice that it had, exactly, three sentences. I added one more, out of self-consciousness. He must have thought I was lazy. I thought his class was stupid, so we’re even. Anyway, it’s how my mind works, a million thoughts and connections at once.

I really enjoy writing, it’s a private hobby to me. Sometimes, I get these ideas and as I’m opening Word to write them down, or even as I’m in the very process of writing them… they’re gone.

Yes, I'm a woman. Deal with it.

Sarah Bernhardt playing Hamlet.

The interesting thing is that my dad gave me Hamlet to read. In a nutshell, for people not familiar with it, it’s about the prince (Hamlet) that is haunted by his father, the king’s ghost. The ghost seeks to be avenged for his murder, having been poisoned by his brother, who then proceeded to marry the queen and become the new king. It’s a tragedy. Problem is, Hamlet starts to overthink, getting caught up in thoughts and in the theory instead of actually acting on something. The ghost appears real early in the play. If he followed through with his revenge, there would be no play (maybe a tiny vignette, but definitely no famous iconic soliloquy). But, since he over-analyzes and obsesses, we got, instead, a full play. A lot like me, really, if you put aside the fact that I don’t have any ghost pestering me for revenge (so far).

Bottom line is, my head feels full and noisy and cluttered. And I feel really alone right now.

"Motivate me I wanna get myself out of this bed Captivate me I want good thoughts inside of my head" ~ Good Charlotte, Motivation Proclamation


~ by 1cellinthesea on March 1, 2012.

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