Bored Out Of My Mind.

I’m so bored, I’m listening to Avril Freaking Lavigne. Not only that, but I’m agreeing to what she’s singing about. That’s how bored I am.

Thankfully, I found a better video for illustration purposes to this post. Make sure you hear it if you have been living under a rock and don’t know this song.

I’m addicted to horror movies (though not this new gory crap, the real deal, like Rose Red), I like almost anything with vampires, werewolves, ghosts, evil forces, living dead and serial killers running around wearing costumes and carrying big knives. In my hunger for good horror movies, I’ve watched from the classics Psycho and Ghostbusters (though it’s not horror), both versions of The Shining, Pet Sematary and even the abysmally bad The Refrigerator and Tommyknockers (really, wtf was that?). No, I’m not a fan of sparkly, old-fashioned, lipstick-wearing vampires.

So by now, you probably have guessed I’m a major fan of suspense series. I’m in love with True Blood and Supernatural, and I would also watch Walking Dead and American Horror Story if I had the time. I’m also a big fan of action movies and fast-paced comedies even, like anything Jet Lee and Jackie Chan shoot, the Bourne movies, the first Resident Evil, the new Batman ones, Spider-Man and X-Men. Heck, I grew up playing Rogue-Storm (I couldn’t decide between the two) with my cousin (Cyclops, sometimes Gambit) and my brother (Wolverine).

Tolkien, of course, has a special place in my heart, and I’m thinking of reading A Game of Thrones, if only I hadn’t watched the whole first season already. Well, at least the episodes about Daenerys and Drogo (which is, by the way, a really stupid name, but I’m willing to overlook that in favor or the guyliner)

And yet, I feel like, all the time I’m not reading about axe-weilding men shouting that day will come again as they make their last stand against orcs, watching people run for their lives from ghosts or kill monsters and exorcise demons on a daily basis while delivering a witty one-liner, the world is just too fucking BORING.

Don’t worry, I’m not one of those dorky people who act like they’re in a freaking cartoon/movie/book/animation/video game/whatever. Although, I have to say it, I loved Kick-Ass.

My life is just too boring and that’s where Avril (unfortunately) comes in. So I’m into that song of hers, Anything But Ordinary. Yes, it’s lame, poorly written and Eddie is probably coming for my head tonight.

Eddie is sh***ing bricks

The thing is, when she sings I’d rather be anything but ordinary, please, I can’t help but agree!

I had never watched American Beauty. My brother said he wanted to see it again, so I took advantage of the opportunity and decided to watch it, too. And I liked it. (And also, suddenly, so many jokes in other movies made sense to me…) It also surprised me the whole ‘common’ argument between the two girls in the movie.

Suddenly, other people get this feeling. Kinda. Suddenly, it’s not just me and a dumb song; I’m not crazy, it is a feeling shared by other people. I had felt it before, but never on this level, never had I found something so close to how I feel. There’s this song, 1985. I love it, not only because I kinda miss the 90s (life was simpler to me then), but because I kinda dread my life becoming just like that.

I’m so tired of myself, of being me. I don’t want to be myself anymore. Actually, it’s been years since I have last felt good about being me, since I’ve last felt it was actually truly okay being me. If I really stop to think, I’m not even sure if there has ever been a time when I did not wish I was somebody else. What if my life never grows out of boring and into something more? What if I’m stuck feeling average forever? What if I’m doomed to spend the rest of my life simply getting through the day? What if it will always be like this, drifting through existence? Not really living, not feeling alive? Going through my whole life in a half-asleep state?

I am aware life can’t be a roller-coaster, thrilling and exciting 24/7. I know that the boring, quiet days have their worth. I do appreciate peace and quiet, and I know even the sad bits have their purpose, their lesson and they all add to the beauty of life.

I can appreciate the beauty and wonder hidden in the world we see, like the fact that there are threes that not only can stand up hundreds of meters tall, but also can live for centuries, that something as simple as light makes life possible, that a simple smile in the middle of the chaos of everyday can make someone feel anything but average.

The problem is, sometimes, even when something really good happens, I feel disconnected. As if it’s not happening to me, but in a movie on TV and I’ve taken the sound off and am not really looking. The thought that even the rollercoaster, the white-water rafting won’t be enough to make me feel.  I’m terrified when I feel sick instead of bursting with joy when that special someone looks at me with a smile in their eyes, and I. Feel. Nothing.

Disconnected, numb. It’s like I’m underwater and all the emotions have their impacts buffered by the water surrounding me. Or, I feel sick, like those days when you were little and had a fever in the middle of a perfect sunny day. And the thought comes unbidden to my mind: is this it?

I can’t help this anxiety in me that builds over thoughts about the future. I know there’s a name for that. But, for the moment, I’ll just take a deep breath and try to deal with this haunting feeling, and hope that one day I’ll wake up and find myself free from it.

I don’t want to spend my whole life with the feeling that I’m average. I don’t want to feel ordinary anymore…

~ by 1cellinthesea on February 1, 2012.

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