I’m only dreaming…

I want a best friend that’s more like a brother, to spoil, bicker with, nag, tease, take care of and talk to, fight with, back up, laugh at my expense or simply sit with me and drink while we bitch about our lives (and everyone else, too).

I wish I could have all his text messages back, that were lost when my cellphone was stolen.

I wish I could turn back time and tell him that I really liked him.

I wish loving you didn’t have to be so difficult. I wish we could be friends, I wish I could count on you. I wish that this silence between us didn’t hurt so much. I wish you weren’t so selfish. It hurts to look into your beautiful eyes and see a mind too sharp for your own good. I wish they didn’t make me feel so cold. I wish you were more of a brother to me, so that I wouldn’t have to go around desperately looking for a replacement to give all the love I had set aside just for you and you always felt annoyed by.

I want to rely on myself, to be able to take care of myself and get by just fine. Take care of my place, solve my own problems, get my own jobs, get a doctorate on something I love. I want to walk on my own two feet.

I really hope that I won’t leave this life without having kissed you even once. I need to know how it feels.

I want to have a dog again in the future, but maybe I’ll get a cat while my life is so frantic. But I really want a dog again.

I want to know how to be sick by myself, when I’m alone at home, and not feeling the need to call anyone.

I wish I knew how to play guitar well. And sing. It’s such a shame I can’t sing as acceptably as I did… Thank God for headphones! d^.^b

I wish I could actually face and talk normally to the people I think are attractive, instead of only doing it to those I’m *not*. And I wonder why all the creepy people just gravitate towards me. I’m doomed. ¬¬

I want to be good at what I do.

I want to be able to do what needs to be done, to have the courage to always face the consequences of my actions and the strength to deal with them.

I wish I were brave.

I wish I could be the kind of person that people like having around, and that is missed when is gone, the kind of person that makes a difference (even if a tiny one) in people’s lives.

I wish I could be, for once, good enough.

I wish I could make things if only a little bit better for people, to make people feel good with themselves, to make people feel at ease.

I wish that, at the end of my life, I’ll feel at peace. That I’ll have many good memories, that’ll have done all most of the things I want to do. I wish that, when my time comes, I’ll feel satisfied. That I’ll feel like I have really lived.

I wish the next time you walk into my life again, you’ll be single. I know it’s selfish, and horrible and I don’t really mean it. I know you’re really happy right now. But I want to find out how it’s like to kiss you and hug you longer than I’m allowed to, once and for all. And I don’t think I could, knowing there is someone out there who thinks the world of you and that I’ll have been part of what caused their disappointment. And this is why I’m really doomed.


~ by 1cellinthesea on November 5, 2011.

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