Stop Telling Me I’ll Change My Mind About Having Children!

•August 15, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Recently, I’ve been reading many wonderful texts about people who chose not to have children being bullied because of it, and it reminds me of how my dad can’t pull his head out of his ass for five seconds enough to actually listen to me when I say that, NO, I don’t want to have children. “You’ll change your mind,” he says. “Your mom also didn’t want them.”

Well. Will you look at that. Putting aside the fact that, according to him, he was the one who wanted babies so badly, the memories I have of him actually putting any effort into raising us are nonexistent. Yesterday was father’s day and I forced myself to mutter a “happy father’s day” to him, to which my mother said, “isn’t that everyday?”. I  managed – just barely – to keep my mouth wisely shut and not reply, “not really, in his case”. So, with bad parenting in mind, here is my list of reasons why I don’t plan on having children in this lifetime.

  1. I don’t want to have children.
  2. I don’t want to go through pregnancy and its many inconveniences.
  3. I don’t want to go through months waking up every few hours at night or not sleeping at all.
  4. My life is complicated enough without having to be responsible for someone else’s safety at the moment.
  5. I currently have no income and am studying some tough course that takes a lot of dedication, time and effort before I am graduated, and then some more until I get into a comfortable position in life.
  6. I think educating someone to inhabit the world and live in a community takes quite a lot of effort, time, dedication and patience, which will, naturally, be deducted from other things in my life (see item #5), like travelling, reading and socializing.
  7. I also think that today’s world hardly leaves time for properly raising kids. Many parents barely see their children, talk to them, play with them or are aware of what’s going on in their lives. Simply put, I would hate to be an absent parent.
  8. I wouldn’t enjoy indulging a toddler every day, for years. I don’t find the games and plays amusing and would easily lose interest and become frustrated. I think it’s a miserably depressing situation when the kid is ignored by the parent that just wants to watch TV all the time  and the adult is forced to give attention and do things they hate every single day. How would you feel if you were in a relationship where you’re having fun sharing what you love doing with the other person, and you see they appear to be having as much fun as you are, and you assume there’s a huge connection there because of it – but then you find out they were pretending the whole time and hated every minute of it? That’s heartbreaking, on top of depressing.
  9. I think teenagers are the devil.
  10. In spite of my intense routine, the little time I make is for myself. And that is something I’m quite comfortable with and don’t want to see get downsized or even completely obliterated by having to dedicate it to someone who needs me.
  11. My parents are starting to enter that age where they’ll need me and that alone will be tricky enough without having to manage kids, too.
  12. I’m eager to spread my wings, travel, see the world, experiment things, so I don’t want a dog holding me back, much less a kid (the no dog actually is quite a bummer to me, to be honest).
  13. I think it’s selfish (and a little immature) to have children because its what’s expected of you and then not take the time to at least try your best to mold them into decent adults because you are frustrated over everything you wanted to do but can’t because there’s someone who depends on you to survive.

These are the ones I’ve thought of so far. It really frustrates me that every time someone says they’re okay with no children someone feels the URGE to disclaim the blessings that children are. Come on, people. Some kids are brats. Most of them will be some time or other. And that’s ok. They’re just kids.

Let’s stop guilt-tripping people into reproducing and then pointing judgmental fingers when they hate being parents, regret having had kids, are absent, or simply can’t keep up.  If we really must scare people into having children because they’ll regret not having them later on (which is absurd, ridiculous, and irresponsible on so many levels), shouldn’t that level of desperation be enough to convince any sane adult that it is indeed not a very good idea in the first place? Isn’t it a lot less harmful to regret not having children then to live everyday with people whose entire existences you regret and resent? What’s good for you may not be the best for me. And that’s what makes the world interesting.

Rediscovering Something Good

•July 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

There’s something magical in rediscovering a band and songs you used to love in your teens and that used to mean a lot to you in so many levels they cannot be expressed here… So, I will simply embed the videos… and hope someone else may fall in love with them as I did.🙂

“I’m afraid of the dark without you close to me…”❤

Fuck Christmas

•December 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Christmas this year was especially frustrating and hard.

My relationship with my brother is shittier than ever, after him sleeping all day and deciding to listen to opera at 2 in the morning. At least he turned the volume down when I asked. Then the next day, at 3:20 in the morning he decided to turn the television extra loud and when I banged on his door, he said he wasn’t gonna turn it down, cause it was his room and the movie was ending.

So, basically, I don’t want to see him even if he’s covered in chocolate. I am making a very conscious effort not to wish him dead. How am I supposed to deal with a fucking narcissistic asshole who’s 29 and still doesn’t get that silence is much appreciated at night? How am I supposed to talk to him if he’s set on not turning it down and doesn’t want others to get in the middle of this? I can’t conceive the idea that he’ll only respect me if I kick his ass. We’re both adults, what the fuck! It’s frustrating, annoying and it HURTS how he doesn’t miss a chance to fuck me over.

I made a point to leave his present unwrapped on the bed way before Christmas. I feel like burning the book, that’s how angry and frustrated I am. I also gave my father’s book a lot earlier.

Then, on Christmas Eve my cousin arrived with his children. He didn’t talk to us, put his phone down or even greet us properly. His 18-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son both sat on the couch and pulled out their laptops. She proceeded to tell how Christmas means nothing to her and she’d much rather be home in her bed with her wifi. My aunt (their grandmother) started lecturing how she needs to have conversations and communicate with people and she promptly said she doesn’t want to communicate. Her bratty, spoiled brother waved in a vary bad-mannered way when I said hi when I was opening the door to them.

And then, when my parents finally arrived from church and I was feeling crappy and like digging a hole to bury myself, dad proceeded to complain and throw a fit in the kitchen because all the beverages weren’t cold after they had done everything to ensure the dinner would be great. Only they hadn’t said anything and I had been busy with two old ladies in the living room while my useless brother was watching tv on the other room instead of his own.

Aside from that, there was the traditional guilt-tripping and my aunt insisting on hammering everybody into a fucking mold she thought would be ideal, and ignoring personalities, wishes and thoughts. My aunt insisting people take pictures and not taking no for an answer when I said, politely, over and over and over again I did not want to take a picture. I don’t want to take pictures when I feel this crappy and with someone who makes me feel crappier.

I sat on that couch, waiting for my parents to arrive from church, and I realized why they say suicide rates increase so much during the Holidays. People are so worried about being the perfect family and passing over everyone’s feelings and disregarding the other 364 days of the year when no one makes a fucking effort to coexist in harmony. It’s impossible to have a conversation with my dad, my mom never has time and during parties she listens to everybody else but me. And my brother is an asshole.

I ask myself, what’s the fucking point of gathering for Christmas, praying, if no one prays on the other 364 days of the year, if people consistently disregard what the other feels and thinks and wants, if people are more worried about their expectations than about what people actually are like. If people go out of their way to be mean and cruel to the other. Celebrating Christmas is not religion. Religion is what you do everyday and how you act and treat people. There’s no point in my aunt insisting my little cousin becomes “a christian” if everyone is so fucking bad-mannered and materialistic and narcissistic.

It’s comforting knowing that somewhere in the world, there are families like this one. Maybe it’s just mine that sucks.

My 10 Year Old Downloaded Grindr

•December 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If I ever end up having kids, I want them to be as cool and kind as these two, and to be at least half the parent CJ’s parents are.🙂

Raising My Rainbow

“This app is taking forever to load,” my 10-year-old son Chase said as I was driving. It was just the two of us in the car and he was fiddling with his iPhone*.

“What app is it?” I asked. He isn’t supposed to download anything unless he has our permission.

“It’s called Grindr,” he said. I nearly crashed the car.

iPhone5_Splash“You can’t download that,” I said quickly, full of panic and resisting the urge to reach over and snatch the phone out of his hands. I was certain the app would load faster than any app has loaded in the history of all apps and his profile would be automatically complete and naked selfies of men would flood his phone and his brain.

“I can download it; it’s just taking forever,” he said.

“No. I mean you aren’t allowed to download it. I’m saying no. You’re not old enough…

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Lily Myers – Shrinking Women

•December 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Game of Thrones is Awesome.

•November 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Existing, Not Living

•September 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

A friend I had a long time ago introduced me to Good Charlotte. I listened to their album “Chronicles of Life and Death” and loved it to the point I listened to it everyday. It was like a breath of fresh air, like suddenly I could breathe. Because someone out there understood what I was feeling. Over a decade later, who’d have thought it still has the same effect on me?

I am so tired of keeping this depression inside. Of not being able to talk to my parents because it makes it worse, because they only add to the pressure I have always felt.

It’s always been guilt and pressure with them. Every gift was always a sacrifice. I was always acting spoiled according to him, “if you don’t get better grades I’m gonna put you in a shitty school!”, “do you realize the sacrifice we’re making in order to give you both this school?!”, “get into college soon, I’m getting old and we’re not rich, we can’t support you forever!”, “when are you going to get a job?”…

I never did drugs, I never smoked, I never lied to my parents about where I was, I studied very hard. Still, depression got me. At the end of high school, I was burn out. I still am, now at 27, trying to get another degree.

I. Have. Nothing.

I don’t have a job, I don’t have a decent income, I don’t travel, I don’t have a partner, I even barely go out to see my friends. I feel like I am always letting people down. And the worst part is, I can’t count on my family. It’s like it’s me against my dad and brother. The two of them are always being generous with their friends and relatives, but I feel like they think I have it easy and therefore I am supposed to help them. Like I don’t have any worry at all.

Last friday I was throwing up so much my body pressure hit the floor. I could barely sit up. I usually do that when I am super stressed. I am so tired of not doing anything right, of not having a life.

I’m so tired of needing approval from martial arts teachers because my dad lets me down, I’m tired of not having a self-esteem because my parents destroyed it, I’m tired of not being able to hit on who I want because I have daddy issues. Who in their right mind would want to jump in a relationship with a crazy person like me???

I’m tired of wanting to kill myself,of wanting to stop existing. I’m tired of not being able to count on my family, while everything my cousin does is wonderful and when she cries, it’s poor girl! Meanwhile she has a social life, a boyfriend and oh what a gem she is! She did two years of studying to get into a shitty college! Probably because she went out and dated. While I stayed at home and studied and listened and minded all the crap thrown at me.

I need something REALLY good to happen REALLY soon.

 
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