Christmas this year was especially frustrating and hard.
My relationship with my brother is shittier than ever, after him sleeping all day and deciding to listen to opera at 2 in the morning. At least he turned the volume down when I asked. Then the next day, at 3:20 in the morning he decided to turn the television extra loud and when I banged on his door, he said he wasn’t gonna turn it down, cause it was his room and the movie was ending.
So, basically, I don’t want to see him even if he’s covered in chocolate. I am making a very conscious effort not to wish him dead. How am I supposed to deal with a fucking narcissistic asshole who’s 29 and still doesn’t get that silence is much appreciated at night? How am I supposed to talk to him if he’s set on not turning it down and doesn’t want others to get in the middle of this? I can’t conceive the idea that he’ll only respect me if I kick his ass. We’re both adults, what the fuck! It’s frustrating, annoying and it HURTS how he doesn’t miss a chance to fuck me over.
I made a point to leave his present unwrapped on the bed way before Christmas. I feel like burning the book, that’s how angry and frustrated I am. I also gave my father’s book a lot earlier.
Then, on Christmas Eve my cousin arrived with his children. He didn’t talk to us, put his phone down or even greet us properly. His 18-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son both sat on the couch and pulled out their laptops. She proceeded to tell how Christmas means nothing to her and she’d much rather be home in her bed with her wifi. My aunt (their grandmother) started lecturing how she needs to have conversations and communicate with people and she promptly said she doesn’t want to communicate. Her bratty, spoiled brother waved in a vary bad-mannered way when I said hi when I was opening the door to them.
And then, when my parents finally arrived from church and I was feeling crappy and like digging a hole to bury myself, dad proceeded to complain and throw a fit in the kitchen because all the beverages weren’t cold after they had done everything to ensure the dinner would be great. Only they hadn’t said anything and I had been busy with two old ladies in the living room while my useless brother was watching tv on the other room instead of his own.
Aside from that, there was the traditional guilt-tripping and my aunt insisting on hammering everybody into a fucking mold she thought would be ideal, and ignoring personalities, wishes and thoughts. My aunt insisting people take pictures and not taking no for an answer when I said, politely, over and over and over again I did not want to take a picture. I don’t want to take pictures when I feel this crappy and with someone who makes me feel crappier.
I sat on that couch, waiting for my parents to arrive from church, and I realized why they say suicide rates increase so much during the Holidays. People are so worried about being the perfect family and passing over everyone’s feelings and disregarding the other 364 days of the year when no one makes a fucking effort to coexist in harmony. It’s impossible to have a conversation with my dad, my mom never has time and during parties she listens to everybody else but me. And my brother is an asshole.
I ask myself, what’s the fucking point of gathering for Christmas, praying, if no one prays on the other 364 days of the year, if people consistently disregard what the other feels and thinks and wants, if people are more worried about their expectations than about what people actually are like. If people go out of their way to be mean and cruel to the other. Celebrating Christmas is not religion. Religion is what you do everyday and how you act and treat people. There’s no point in my aunt insisting my little cousin becomes “a christian” if everyone is so fucking bad-mannered and materialistic and narcissistic.
It’s comforting knowing that somewhere in the world, there are families like this one. Maybe it’s just mine that sucks.