Rediscovering Something Good

•July 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

There’s something magical in rediscovering a band and songs you used to love in your teens and that used to mean a lot to you in so many levels they cannot be expressed here… So, I will simply embed the videos… and hope someone else may fall in love with them as I did.:)

“I’m afraid of the dark without you close to me…”❤

Fuck Christmas

•December 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Christmas this year was especially frustrating and hard.

My relationship with my brother is shittier than ever, after him sleeping all day and deciding to listen to opera at 2 in the morning. At least he turned the volume down when I asked. Then the next day, at 3:20 in the morning he decided to turn the television extra loud and when I banged on his door, he said he wasn’t gonna turn it down, cause it was his room and the movie was ending.

So, basically, I don’t want to see him even if he’s covered in chocolate. I am making a very conscious effort not to wish him dead. How am I supposed to deal with a fucking narcissistic asshole who’s 29 and still doesn’t get that silence is much appreciated at night? How am I supposed to talk to him if he’s set on not turning it down and doesn’t want others to get in the middle of this? I can’t conceive the idea that he’ll only respect me if I kick his ass. We’re both adults, what the fuck! It’s frustrating, annoying and it HURTS how he doesn’t miss a chance to fuck me over.

I made a point to leave his present unwrapped on the bed way before Christmas. I feel like burning the book, that’s how angry and frustrated I am. I also gave my father’s book a lot earlier.

Then, on Christmas Eve my cousin arrived with his children. He didn’t talk to us, put his phone down or even greet us properly. His 18-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son both sat on the couch and pulled out their laptops. She proceeded to tell how Christmas means nothing to her and she’d much rather be home in her bed with her wifi. My aunt (their grandmother) started lecturing how she needs to have conversations and communicate with people and she promptly said she doesn’t want to communicate. Her bratty, spoiled brother waved in a vary bad-mannered way when I said hi when I was opening the door to them.

And then, when my parents finally arrived from church and I was feeling crappy and like digging a hole to bury myself, dad proceeded to complain and throw a fit in the kitchen because all the beverages weren’t cold after they had done everything to ensure the dinner would be great. Only they hadn’t said anything and I had been busy with two old ladies in the living room while my useless brother was watching tv on the other room instead of his own.

Aside from that, there was the traditional guilt-tripping and my aunt insisting on hammering everybody into a fucking mold she thought would be ideal, and ignoring personalities, wishes and thoughts. My aunt insisting people take pictures and not taking no for an answer when I said, politely, over and over and over again I did not want to take a picture. I don’t want to take pictures when I feel this crappy and with someone who makes me feel crappier.

I sat on that couch, waiting for my parents to arrive from church, and I realized why they say suicide rates increase so much during the Holidays. People are so worried about being the perfect family and passing over everyone’s feelings and disregarding the other 364 days of the year when no one makes a fucking effort to coexist in harmony. It’s impossible to have a conversation with my dad, my mom never has time and during parties she listens to everybody else but me. And my brother is an asshole.

I ask myself, what’s the fucking point of gathering for Christmas, praying, if no one prays on the other 364 days of the year, if people consistently disregard what the other feels and thinks and wants, if people are more worried about their expectations than about what people actually are like. If people go out of their way to be mean and cruel to the other. Celebrating Christmas is not religion. Religion is what you do everyday and how you act and treat people. There’s no point in my aunt insisting my little cousin becomes “a christian” if everyone is so fucking bad-mannered and materialistic and narcissistic.

It’s comforting knowing that somewhere in the world, there are families like this one. Maybe it’s just mine that sucks.

My 10 Year Old Downloaded Grindr

•December 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If I ever end up having kids, I want them to be as cool and kind as these two, and to be at least half the parent CJ’s parents are.:)

Raising My Rainbow

“This app is taking forever to load,” my 10-year-old son Chase said as I was driving. It was just the two of us in the car and he was fiddling with his iPhone*.

“What app is it?” I asked. He isn’t supposed to download anything unless he has our permission.

“It’s called Grindr,” he said. I nearly crashed the car.

iPhone5_Splash“You can’t download that,” I said quickly, full of panic and resisting the urge to reach over and snatch the phone out of his hands. I was certain the app would load faster than any app has loaded in the history of all apps and his profile would be automatically complete and naked selfies of men would flood his phone and his brain.

“I can download it; it’s just taking forever,” he said.

“No. I mean you aren’t allowed to download it. I’m saying no. You’re not old enough…

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Lily Myers – Shrinking Women

•December 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Game of Thrones is Awesome.

•November 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Existing, Not Living

•September 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

A friend I had a long time ago introduced me to Good Charlotte. I listened to their album “Chronicles of Life and Death” and loved it to the point I listened to it everyday. It was like a breath of fresh air, like suddenly I could breathe. Because someone out there understood what I was feeling. Over a decade later, who’d have thought it still has the same effect on me?

I am so tired of keeping this depression inside. Of not being able to talk to my parents because it makes it worse, because they only add to the pressure I have always felt.

It’s always been guilt and pressure with them. Every gift was always a sacrifice. I was always acting spoiled according to him, “if you don’t get better grades I’m gonna put you in a shitty school!”, “do you realize the sacrifice we’re making in order to give you both this school?!”, “get into college soon, I’m getting old and we’re not rich, we can’t support you forever!”, “when are you going to get a job?”…

I never did drugs, I never smoked, I never lied to my parents about where I was, I studied very hard. Still, depression got me. At the end of high school, I was burn out. I still am, now at 27, trying to get another degree.

I. Have. Nothing.

I don’t have a job, I don’t have a decent income, I don’t travel, I don’t have a partner, I even barely go out to see my friends. I feel like I am always letting people down. And the worst part is, I can’t count on my family. It’s like it’s me against my dad and brother. The two of them are always being generous with their friends and relatives, but I feel like they think I have it easy and therefore I am supposed to help them. Like I don’t have any worry at all.

Last friday I was throwing up so much my body pressure hit the floor. I could barely sit up. I usually do that when I am super stressed. I am so tired of not doing anything right, of not having a life.

I’m so tired of needing approval from martial arts teachers because my dad lets me down, I’m tired of not having a self-esteem because my parents destroyed it, I’m tired of not being able to hit on who I want because I have daddy issues. Who in their right mind would want to jump in a relationship with a crazy person like me???

I’m tired of wanting to kill myself,of wanting to stop existing. I’m tired of not being able to count on my family, while everything my cousin does is wonderful and when she cries, it’s poor girl! Meanwhile she has a social life, a boyfriend and oh what a gem she is! She did two years of studying to get into a shitty college! Probably because she went out and dated. While I stayed at home and studied and listened and minded all the crap thrown at me.

I need something REALLY good to happen REALLY soon.

Insomnia Rage

•September 4, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am SO pissed.

Yesterday there was a very strong wind. Stuff broke in the house, trees were uprooted some places in town, smashing cars beneath them. And the windows rattled like there was no tomorrow. Which is nothing new.

My room has a history of rattling windows during strong wind gusts. Problem is, those usually happen at night. Thing is, I’m a light sleeper, with serious issues to fall asleep. I had to move my room because my brother insisted on getting loud in the middle of the night, and parents were no help (woa, what a surprise!). Dad even had the gal to comment my windows rattling kept him awake. Poor him!

So, this is a fucking old problem and the excuse to fix it is that we have no money. Actually, we never have money, I had to grow up self-conscious about that, depressed and guilt-ridden, because guilt is my sweet mom’s excuse to fucking everything. So, if I ask for that, it’s expensive. But as soon as my dad got money, he changed the floor boards of the living room (complete with a hissy fit from when he came back from a business trip and complained the house was dirty – what the fuck did he expect?). And when it was finally over, he decided to do the balcony. This was all so we could sell the apartment. You know. Cause we need money.

THEN, he had the nerve to joke he didn’t think he wanted to sell anymore (we all know he doesn’t want to). So, the list of recent expenses include: the floors, a brand new smart tv he gifted mom, a Blu-ray player he also gifted mom (nope, we don’t and never have used Blu-ray) and a laptop he bought my cousin together with our other cousin, for his graduation.

He’s super hurt he never said thank you.

We have TWO fucking air conditioners in the living room, plus another THREE in each room – not mine! Mine’s got a ceiling fan that does more noise than actually fan and an ancient a/c that barely works. I avoid the most (the guilt that come with) using it. Now, dad actually proposed that I buy a new a/c that is more economical, since the bill should get more expensive next year, and they will pay for installing it. I said I didn’t have the money (swallowing my anger) and he replied that I did, cause I’m buying stuff all the time.

‘Stuff I buy’ in the occasion were new clothes, so I feel less shitty about myself.

Meanwhile, all my savings, I have given to him (I stopped believing in lending money to family – you either say no or give. Life is less complicated that way.) Last December I got a temporary ob for Christmas, and during an argument, he said I should have done it earlier instead of spending a year in bed (depression does that sometimes). Funny thing is, about half my pay I used to pay his taxes. The money from the job he was a lot less than impressed with.

It has recently dawned on me that one of the reasons I go to sleep SO late and wake up in the afternoon is to avoid my dad the most, so I have to live with one less reminder of what a loser I am.

Less recently, I’ve realized that when I don’t sleep I get more prone to being negative, and angry, and anxious and feeling overwhelmed.

But oh my God! What am I good for??? I’m almost 30 and trying to get into Med school so I can get a better ob and a better life, away from here. At the same time, I worry that I’ll have to help my parents financially and never really get stability and a comfortable retirement later on, and most importantly, get rid of this hell!

The last date I had sucked spectacularly and he got pissed to hear I didn’t want to go out again or be friends!

What am I doing? What am I good for? Am I ever gonna leave this hell and get a better life? Am I gonna have my own life, meet people, have fun, and be able to relax? Oh my God, I’m so tired…


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