I Don’t Know How To Be An Adult!

•December 23, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Ok, I have no idea what to do.

I had an anxiety attack during my finals while cramming for the last two tests. A friend was crappy to me when she saw a message from me in  group, in which I was saying I wasn’t well and was thinking about not writing the test. She automatically supposed it was the one for which she was my partner (it wasn’t, I was talking about the afternoon one, which was solo) and gave me crap when I called her in the morning to let her know I wasn’t doing great (I was having a hard time sitting up in bed). So, that got me in a state in which I spent the hours before it crying my eyes out while a few friends talked to me.

I only was able to write the afternoon test because a guy sat behind me, told me to sit right in front of him and helped me. So, I’m VERY worried this becomes the norm. The reason I wasn’t prepared was because I’ve been exhausted and/or emotionally spent the entire semester. I also had to stop seeing my therapist because I can’t afford it anymore.

I’m not taking care of all the workload from school, even if all I do is study or try to. Dad’s still giving me all kinds of crap every so often.

My cousins have FINALLY split up and this time it seems like there’s no going back. Which I think is wise. They would go as far as hit each other, according to mom. But, a week or two ago, I was on the phone with big brother and he said that his wife had bruises and sent pictures of them to mom. I didn’t know that.

So I called her. She told me everything he did, how he cheated, painted him as a bastard (which is not so difficult to imagine because I do see the way he interacts with his family) and told me he did a particularly nasty thing to her. It broke my heart.

He’s in his mom’s house, and my aunt – who used to be alienated before – now is getting senile. We’re thinking beginning of dementia. And she’s in the middle of their drama. He’s a guy who’s 50 and can’t pull his crap together enough to realize that he’s not a teenager anymore and that she can’t handle this anymore. Even and especially since the both of them have a history of many fights, resentment, manipulation and so on.

This week, after meeting my mom in the subway, she tells me that he told my aunt that he wanted to shoot himself in the head. As if that’s not bad enough, December is a particularly CRAPPY month for him to say that, since our other aunt did just that. On 13th, which is his mom’s birthday. Said aunt’s son also killed himself, many years after. This cousin told me he and his wife (girlfriend at the time) talked to him and took him home and tried to help, but the family never did anything, my dad included.

Even though he’s a bastard and I wanted to go to the police with his ex, I just sent him a message asking how he was doing and to talk to me. Oh, God, they say Christmas is a time where suicides skyrocket… this family can’t have another one…

And my dad’s super authoritative, mom likes to pretend nothing is happening and it makes me want to pull my hair out because no one does a damn thing! Sure, they’re both sick and crazy, his wife told me that my mom said she’d pray for her when she sent her pictures of the bruises, but my mom read to me the message she sent, saying that if she wanted she could come ’round to talk. So, yeah, they’re sick. I don’t know what I can believe. But their family. someone should do something to sort them out if they won’t. They have a pre-teen. Our parents can’t be the ones to sort this mess, but my dad is aggressive and authoritative and will say all kinds of crap if I get involved. There’s also mom nagging and burying me in Christian guilt. But even if I know that my generation should deal with it, I can’t do this by myself!

My brother is abroad, working his ass off trying to make it, my other two cousins only care about themselves. And I HATE it that I am so insecure, that I need to talk things over with someone (used to be my therapist – she even said to me that I needed support when I take a decision) and when that someone is my mom, it ends up with her telling me to basically roll over and let people trample on me. That is the source and also makes me even more insecure.

All I know is that it sounds to me pretty crazy not to do anything. What if he does shoot himself or does something like that? What if they keep hurting each other in worse ways? hat about the (annoying, insufferable, pest of a) kid? Shouldn’t we, adults, help?

I just called big brother. He had 1% battery only and instead of saying what I needed we just did some catching up. Apparently, it was enough. I think I’ll call my cousin tomorrow, as if he’s seeing a therapist, maybe tell him to find a place to stay because staying with his mom can’t be doing good to the both of them.

I feel so out of my depth here.

They’re the two cousins that supported me going back to school, that talked to me when I was depressed. I need to support, them, too.

Meanwhile, I need to find a way to be able to study, have fun, breathe and live, and not have anxiety attacks. I need to make my life better for me, in a way that I won’t be so emotionally exhausted because of mom and dad burying me in guilt and accusations, so I’ll be able to study, which I really want to. I need to find time to socialize and have time to actually answer messages guys leave me. And go out with them.

Someone give me a tutorial on how to be an adult, because I don’t think I got exactly what I’m supposed to do.


Stop Telling Me I’ll Change My Mind About Having Children!

•August 15, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Recently, I’ve been reading many wonderful texts about people who chose not to have children being bullied because of it, and it reminds me of how my dad can’t pull his head out of his ass for five seconds enough to actually listen to me when I say that, NO, I don’t want to have children. “You’ll change your mind,” he says. “Your mom also didn’t want them.”

Well. Will you look at that. Putting aside the fact that, according to him, he was the one who wanted babies so badly, the memories I have of him actually putting any effort into raising us are nonexistent. Yesterday was father’s day and I forced myself to mutter a “happy father’s day” to him, to which my mother said, “isn’t that everyday?”. I  managed – just barely – to keep my mouth wisely shut and not reply, “not really, in his case”. So, with bad parenting in mind, here is my list of reasons why I don’t plan on having children in this lifetime.

  1. I don’t want to have children.
  2. I don’t want to go through pregnancy and its many inconveniences.
  3. I don’t want to go through months waking up every few hours at night or not sleeping at all.
  4. My life is complicated enough without having to be responsible for someone else’s safety at the moment.
  5. I currently have no income and am studying some tough course that takes a lot of dedication, time and effort before I am graduated, and then some more until I get into a comfortable position in life.
  6. I think educating someone to inhabit the world and live in a community takes quite a lot of effort, time, dedication and patience, which will, naturally, be deducted from other things in my life (see item #5), like travelling, reading and socializing.
  7. I also think that today’s world hardly leaves time for properly raising kids. Many parents barely see their children, talk to them, play with them or are aware of what’s going on in their lives. Simply put, I would hate to be an absent parent.
  8. I wouldn’t enjoy indulging a toddler every day, for years. I don’t find the games and plays amusing and would easily lose interest and become frustrated. I think it’s a miserably depressing situation when the kid is ignored by the parent that just wants to watch TV all the time  and the adult is forced to give attention and do things they hate every single day. How would you feel if you were in a relationship where you’re having fun sharing what you love doing with the other person, and you see they appear to be having as much fun as you are, and you assume there’s a huge connection there because of it – but then you find out they were pretending the whole time and hated every minute of it? That’s heartbreaking, on top of depressing.
  9. I think teenagers are the devil.
  10. In spite of my intense routine, the little time I make is for myself. And that is something I’m quite comfortable with and don’t want to see get downsized or even completely obliterated by having to dedicate it to someone who needs me.
  11. My parents are starting to enter that age where they’ll need me and that alone will be tricky enough without having to manage kids, too.
  12. I’m eager to spread my wings, travel, see the world, experiment things, so I don’t want a dog holding me back, much less a kid (the no dog actually is quite a bummer to me, to be honest).
  13. I think it’s selfish (and a little immature) to have children because its what’s expected of you and then not take the time to at least try your best to mold them into decent adults because you are frustrated over everything you wanted to do but can’t because there’s someone who depends on you to survive.

These are the ones I’ve thought of so far. It really frustrates me that every time someone says they’re okay with no children someone feels the URGE to disclaim the blessings that children are. Come on, people. Some kids are brats. Most of them will be some time or other. And that’s ok. They’re just kids.

Let’s stop guilt-tripping people into reproducing and then pointing judgmental fingers when they hate being parents, regret having had kids, are absent, or simply can’t keep up.  If we really must scare people into having children because they’ll regret not having them later on (which is absurd, ridiculous, and irresponsible on so many levels), shouldn’t that level of desperation be enough to convince any sane adult that it is indeed not a very good idea in the first place? Isn’t it a lot less harmful to regret not having children then to live everyday with people whose entire existences you regret and resent? What’s good for you may not be the best for me. And that’s what makes the world interesting.

Rediscovering Something Good

•July 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

There’s something magical in rediscovering a band and songs you used to love in your teens and that used to mean a lot to you in so many levels they cannot be expressed here… So, I will simply embed the videos… and hope someone else may fall in love with them as I did. 🙂

“I’m afraid of the dark without you close to me…” ❤

Fuck Christmas

•December 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Christmas this year was especially frustrating and hard.

My relationship with my brother is shittier than ever, after him sleeping all day and deciding to listen to opera at 2 in the morning. At least he turned the volume down when I asked. Then the next day, at 3:20 in the morning he decided to turn the television extra loud and when I banged on his door, he said he wasn’t gonna turn it down, cause it was his room and the movie was ending.

So, basically, I don’t want to see him even if he’s covered in chocolate. I am making a very conscious effort not to wish him dead. How am I supposed to deal with a fucking narcissistic asshole who’s 29 and still doesn’t get that silence is much appreciated at night? How am I supposed to talk to him if he’s set on not turning it down and doesn’t want others to get in the middle of this? I can’t conceive the idea that he’ll only respect me if I kick his ass. We’re both adults, what the fuck! It’s frustrating, annoying and it HURTS how he doesn’t miss a chance to fuck me over.

I made a point to leave his present unwrapped on the bed way before Christmas. I feel like burning the book, that’s how angry and frustrated I am. I also gave my father’s book a lot earlier.

Then, on Christmas Eve my cousin arrived with his children. He didn’t talk to us, put his phone down or even greet us properly. His 18-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son both sat on the couch and pulled out their laptops. She proceeded to tell how Christmas means nothing to her and she’d much rather be home in her bed with her wifi. My aunt (their grandmother) started lecturing how she needs to have conversations and communicate with people and she promptly said she doesn’t want to communicate. Her bratty, spoiled brother waved in a vary bad-mannered way when I said hi when I was opening the door to them.

And then, when my parents finally arrived from church and I was feeling crappy and like digging a hole to bury myself, dad proceeded to complain and throw a fit in the kitchen because all the beverages weren’t cold after they had done everything to ensure the dinner would be great. Only they hadn’t said anything and I had been busy with two old ladies in the living room while my useless brother was watching tv on the other room instead of his own.

Aside from that, there was the traditional guilt-tripping and my aunt insisting on hammering everybody into a fucking mold she thought would be ideal, and ignoring personalities, wishes and thoughts. My aunt insisting people take pictures and not taking no for an answer when I said, politely, over and over and over again I did not want to take a picture. I don’t want to take pictures when I feel this crappy and with someone who makes me feel crappier.

I sat on that couch, waiting for my parents to arrive from church, and I realized why they say suicide rates increase so much during the Holidays. People are so worried about being the perfect family and passing over everyone’s feelings and disregarding the other 364 days of the year when no one makes a fucking effort to coexist in harmony. It’s impossible to have a conversation with my dad, my mom never has time and during parties she listens to everybody else but me. And my brother is an asshole.

I ask myself, what’s the fucking point of gathering for Christmas, praying, if no one prays on the other 364 days of the year, if people consistently disregard what the other feels and thinks and wants, if people are more worried about their expectations than about what people actually are like. If people go out of their way to be mean and cruel to the other. Celebrating Christmas is not religion. Religion is what you do everyday and how you act and treat people. There’s no point in my aunt insisting my little cousin becomes “a christian” if everyone is so fucking bad-mannered and materialistic and narcissistic.

It’s comforting knowing that somewhere in the world, there are families like this one. Maybe it’s just mine that sucks.

My 10 Year Old Downloaded Grindr

•December 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If I ever end up having kids, I want them to be as cool and kind as these two, and to be at least half the parent CJ’s parents are. 🙂

Raising My Rainbow

“This app is taking forever to load,” my 10-year-old son Chase said as I was driving. It was just the two of us in the car and he was fiddling with his iPhone*.

“What app is it?” I asked. He isn’t supposed to download anything unless he has our permission.

“It’s called Grindr,” he said. I nearly crashed the car.

iPhone5_Splash“You can’t download that,” I said quickly, full of panic and resisting the urge to reach over and snatch the phone out of his hands. I was certain the app would load faster than any app has loaded in the history of all apps and his profile would be automatically complete and naked selfies of men would flood his phone and his brain.

“I can download it; it’s just taking forever,” he said.

“No. I mean you aren’t allowed to download it. I’m saying no. You’re not old enough…

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Lily Myers – Shrinking Women

•December 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Game of Thrones is Awesome.

•November 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment