Talk About Double Standards…

•June 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

“She had nice eyes. They lit up when she spoke(…)” This is my favorite part. It’s like saying light pours out of someone, like the give off warmth just through the way they look at you. It suggests kindness or maybe happiness and enthusiasm. Really, there are very few better compliments than that. :)

My Cup of Coffee

•February 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I want to get over you. I want this feeling to be gone, this feeling of loss. Like I have lost something great and precious, like I have let something really good slip right through my fingers. I want to remember you as something good, something that had its beginning, middle and end. I want this feeling that this is the end to go away.

I don’t want to cry hard for you at 4 in the morning, so hard I can’t breathe and my chest hurts. I don’t want to feel anymore like there will never be another man. Like no one else will talk to me the way you did, like no one will ever be that tender to me again, like no one will ever like me so much.

It’s funny, because I figured I didn’t have the time to waste on you anymore, and tried to talk to you. but you paid no mind so I got mad and said how I didn’t matter to you. And you never brought it up or tried to tell me differently. That hurt like hell. Still does.

I could have loved you. I’m not sure if I do or did. But I could.

Drives me crazy not knowing how much you cared or didn’t. Not knowing if you still think of me, if you think of how it ended… if you miss me. I miss you so fucking much. I still wonder if that song you posted was about me… Did you ever want me to stay for more than a little while?

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I thought I was strong but in the end, I’m just a sad, silly, lonely little girl pining over a man who doesn’t care.

Good Riddance

•November 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I don’t like you because you manipulated me.

You pretended to be my friend and I opened up to you. I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else, I let you see things in me not even those closest to me saw.

And all the while you were just gathering information. You were just manipulating me. Pretending to be my friend in order to control me.

You knew my weaknesses and you used that against me. You knew how desperate I was for love and you were always especially kind to me.

You used me to get closer to my friend. You got closer to the two of us and then isolated her.

You pretended to want to be my friend, you faked being someone else, you played the part you knew would appeal the most to my eyes. You took advantage of my insecurities, you predated upon my flaws and weaknesses to get what you wanted. As if I were nothing.

I felt you were manipulating me, but I was weaker still and didn’t want to believe it, I didn’t want to see it. So I told you not to manipulate me, and you looked at me and said you didn’t do that to friends.

You were very important to me, I believed in what you used to say and I learned values when I didn’t get along with my father. Values you never put to practice.

You took advantage of my impulse to help and protect, to care for and care about, to listen and embrace to get what you wanted. You took advantage of my fear of rejection, of my insecurity to make me make choices I did not want to.

Friends don’t do emotional blackmail nor use the other’s fear of rejection and desire to be loved. You used all this to turn me against my own principles.

I will never forgive myself for turning my back on him.

What lets me live a little with these facts, with the knowledge that you manipulated me and I allowed you to, is that, when you most expected that I was going to buckle under your emotional pressure, when you thought I was going to talk to her because otherwise you’d be sad, even if it was against everything you used to say, I didn’t give in. I remembered him, and all the others that suffered because of the same reason, and I told you no. I had the guts to say no, what can we do, it’s the way things are. What lets me think I’m not as ridiculously weak and naïve and gullible like that is knowing that in the moment I, with my will to care, embrace, listen, protect and hear, with my own shy and insecure way, had the courage to speak what I thought that should be spoken and said no.

I never want to look upon your face again.

Alan Watts, on Fear of Enlightment

•November 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Measure in Love

•November 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Hope in Humankind

•November 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

“Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.” ~ Tagore

A Dream

•September 21, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I dreamed I was lying in a bed with white sheets wearing a robe and my panties. And then you were sitting there with me, talking, and telling me nice things… Remember how you used to tell me how much you liked me and that you could be yourself with me?

I remember your hand on my knees, but i closed my legs and my robe. I didn’t want you to see ugly me. I sat up, and in the back of my mind I regretted, self-conscious of my breasts, but I let it go. I was worried about you. I wanted to listen to you as you spoke of your girlfriend and told me what was troubling you. I even laid a kind hand on your leg, encouraging you to talk.

In my dream, you were saying something I don’t remember but it was like wanting to be with me without her knowing. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the bed and you were sitting and she was behind me, asking you if you had been with me with contempt in her voice and you were saying nothing happened and reassuring her that I was no one. I wanted to get up and leave.

Then there was a house I was in with my family. My old country house, but suddenly it was completely different and there was a wedding taking place in there. Her wedding. I walked around feeling out of place and embarrassed as her family’s judgmental eyes followed me, frowning and even muttering. I did my best to avoid them and somehow ran into her. I congratulated her but no more words came out. You were missing.

And then she was having a problem, I think she started feeling sick and couldn’t breathe and I took her hand to help her get away and said come with me, leading her to a room. Then in the dream I felt ashamed because it was somehow that room I had been in with you. Her bridesmaids were near and I told them you needed help, but they pulled out their cellphones and started talking and completely ignored me. So it was up to me. I was the only one that realized she wasn’t ok, and that was willing to help.

And I woke up, missing you horribly, and I remembered when you told me you had a girlfriend when we started talking and flirting, just as you were saying goodbye after our time was over.

I am such a fucking pathetic loser.


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