A friend I had a long time ago introduced me to Good Charlotte. I listened to their album “Chronicles of Life and Death” and loved it to the point I listened to it everyday. It was like a breath of fresh air, like suddenly I could breathe. Because someone out there understood what I was feeling. Over a decade later, who’d have thought it still has the same effect on me?
I am so tired of keeping this depression inside. Of not being able to talk to my parents because it makes it worse, because they only add to the pressure I have always felt.
It’s always been guilt and pressure with them. Every gift was always a sacrifice. I was always acting spoiled according to him, “if you don’t get better grades I’m gonna put you in a shitty school!”, “do you realize the sacrifice we’re making in order to give you both this school?!”, “get into college soon, I’m getting old and we’re not rich, we can’t support you forever!”, “when are you going to get a job?”…
I never did drugs, I never smoked, I never lied to my parents about where I was, I studied very hard. Still, depression got me. At the end of high school, I was burn out. I still am, now at 27, trying to get another degree.
I. Have. Nothing.
I don’t have a job, I don’t have a decent income, I don’t travel, I don’t have a partner, I even barely go out to see my friends. I feel like I am always letting people down. And the worst part is, I can’t count on my family. It’s like it’s me against my dad and brother. The two of them are always being generous with their friends and relatives, but I feel like they think I have it easy and therefore I am supposed to help them. Like I don’t have any worry at all.
Last friday I was throwing up so much my body pressure hit the floor. I could barely sit up. I usually do that when I am super stressed. I am so tired of not doing anything right, of not having a life.
I’m so tired of needing approval from martial arts teachers because my dad lets me down, I’m tired of not having a self-esteem because my parents destroyed it, I’m tired of not being able to hit on who I want because I have daddy issues. Who in their right mind would want to jump in a relationship with a crazy person like me???
I’m tired of wanting to kill myself,of wanting to stop existing. I’m tired of not being able to count on my family, while everything my cousin does is wonderful and when she cries, it’s poor girl! Meanwhile she has a social life, a boyfriend and oh what a gem she is! She did two years of studying to get into a shitty college! Probably because she went out and dated. While I stayed at home and studied and listened and minded all the crap thrown at me.
I need something REALLY good to happen REALLY soon.
I am SO pissed.
Yesterday there was a very strong wind. Stuff broke in the house, trees were uprooted some places in town, smashing cars beneath them. And the windows rattled like there was no tomorrow. Which is nothing new.
My room has a history of rattling windows during strong wind gusts. Problem is, those usually happen at night. Thing is, I’m a light sleeper, with serious issues to fall asleep. I had to move my room because my brother insisted on getting loud in the middle of the night, and parents were no help (woa, what a surprise!). Dad even had the gal to comment my windows rattling kept him awake. Poor him!
So, this is a fucking old problem and the excuse to fix it is that we have no money. Actually, we never have money, I had to grow up self-conscious about that, depressed and guilt-ridden, because guilt is my sweet mom’s excuse to fucking everything. So, if I ask for that, it’s expensive. But as soon as my dad got money, he changed the floor boards of the living room (complete with a hissy fit from when he came back from a business trip and complained the house was dirty - what the fuck did he expect?). And when it was finally over, he decided to do the balcony. This was all so we could sell the apartment. You know. Cause we need money.
THEN, he had the nerve to joke he didn’t think he wanted to sell anymore (we all know he doesn’t want to). So, the list of recent expenses include: the floors, a brand new smart tv he gifted mom, a Blu-ray player he also gifted mom (nope, we don’t and never have used Blu-ray) and a laptop he bought my cousin together with our other cousin, for his graduation.
He’s super hurt he never said thank you.
We have TWO fucking air conditioners in the living room, plus another THREE in each room – not mine! Mine’s got a ceiling fan that does more noise than actually fan and an ancient a/c that barely works. I avoid the most (the guilt that come with) using it. Now, dad actually proposed that I buy a new a/c that is more economical, since the bill should get more expensive next year, and they will pay for installing it. I said I didn’t have the money (swallowing my anger) and he replied that I did, cause I’m buying stuff all the time.
‘Stuff I buy’ in the occasion were new clothes, so I feel less shitty about myself.
Meanwhile, all my savings, I have given to him (I stopped believing in lending money to family – you either say no or give. Life is less complicated that way.) Last December I got a temporary ob for Christmas, and during an argument, he said I should have done it earlier instead of spending a year in bed (depression does that sometimes). Funny thing is, about half my pay I used to pay his taxes. The money from the job he was a lot less than impressed with.
It has recently dawned on me that one of the reasons I go to sleep SO late and wake up in the afternoon is to avoid my dad the most, so I have to live with one less reminder of what a loser I am.
Less recently, I’ve realized that when I don’t sleep I get more prone to being negative, and angry, and anxious and feeling overwhelmed.
But oh my God! What am I good for??? I’m almost 30 and trying to get into Med school so I can get a better ob and a better life, away from here. At the same time, I worry that I’ll have to help my parents financially and never really get stability and a comfortable retirement later on, and most importantly, get rid of this hell!
The last date I had sucked spectacularly and he got pissed to hear I didn’t want to go out again or be friends!
What am I doing? What am I good for? Am I ever gonna leave this hell and get a better life? Am I gonna have my own life, meet people, have fun, and be able to relax? Oh my God, I’m so tired…
“She had nice eyes. They lit up when she spoke(…)” This is my favorite part. It’s like saying light pours out of someone, like the give off warmth just through the way they look at you. It suggests kindness or maybe happiness and enthusiasm. Really, there are very few better compliments than that. :)
I want to get over you. I want this feeling to be gone, this feeling of loss. Like I have lost something great and precious, like I have let something really good slip right through my fingers. I want to remember you as something good, something that had its beginning, middle and end. I want this feeling that this is the end to go away.
I don’t want to cry hard for you at 4 in the morning, so hard I can’t breathe and my chest hurts. I don’t want to feel anymore like there will never be another man. Like no one else will talk to me the way you did, like no one will ever be that tender to me again, like no one will ever like me so much.
It’s funny, because I figured I didn’t have the time to waste on you anymore, and tried to talk to you. but you paid no mind so I got mad and said how I didn’t matter to you. And you never brought it up or tried to tell me differently. That hurt like hell. Still does.
I could have loved you. I’m not sure if I do or did. But I could.
Drives me crazy not knowing how much you cared or didn’t. Not knowing if you still think of me, if you think of how it ended… if you miss me. I miss you so fucking much. I still wonder if that song you posted was about me… Did you ever want me to stay for more than a little while?
I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
I thought I was strong but in the end, I’m just a sad, silly, lonely little girl pining over a man who doesn’t care.
I don’t like you because you manipulated me.
You pretended to be my friend and I opened up to you. I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else, I let you see things in me not even those closest to me saw.
And all the while you were just gathering information. You were just manipulating me. Pretending to be my friend in order to control me.
You knew my weaknesses and you used that against me. You knew how desperate I was for love and you were always especially kind to me.
You used me to get closer to my friend. You got closer to the two of us and then isolated her.
You pretended to want to be my friend, you faked being someone else, you played the part you knew would appeal the most to my eyes. You took advantage of my insecurities, you predated upon my flaws and weaknesses to get what you wanted. As if I were nothing.
I felt you were manipulating me, but I was weaker still and didn’t want to believe it, I didn’t want to see it. So I told you not to manipulate me, and you looked at me and said you didn’t do that to friends.
You were very important to me, I believed in what you used to say and I learned values when I didn’t get along with my father. Values you never put to practice.
You took advantage of my impulse to help and protect, to care for and care about, to listen and embrace to get what you wanted. You took advantage of my fear of rejection, of my insecurity to make me make choices I did not want to.
Friends don’t do emotional blackmail nor use the other’s fear of rejection and desire to be loved. You used all this to turn me against my own principles.
I will never forgive myself for turning my back on him.
What lets me live a little with these facts, with the knowledge that you manipulated me and I allowed you to, is that, when you most expected that I was going to buckle under your emotional pressure, when you thought I was going to talk to her because otherwise you’d be sad, even if it was against everything you used to say, I didn’t give in. I remembered him, and all the others that suffered because of the same reason, and I told you no. I had the guts to say no, what can we do, it’s the way things are. What lets me think I’m not as ridiculously weak and naïve and gullible like that is knowing that in the moment I, with my will to care, embrace, listen, protect and hear, with my own shy and insecure way, had the courage to speak what I thought that should be spoken and said no.
I never want to look upon your face again.